Sh*t I used to believe, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and beach volleyball (Ep.19)
Show notes and sneak peek
Y’all - as promised - we got our moderate amount of Keith! Whoop whoop!
After sharing plans for an upcoming Chuck E. Cheese birthday party, Kori, Laura, and Keith interrogate sh*t they used to believe and ways they’ve evolved over time. Topics discussed include hell, organized religion, proselytizing, marriage equality, abortion rhetoric, fat shaming and the Body Mass Index (BMI), therapy, expiration dates on friendships, having friendships outside of your romantic partner, dress codes and what is deemed “appropriate” dress. Phew! That’s a lot of unlearning.
We also discuss the relief that comes from canceling or postponing social engagements - often on account of kids, 90s musical hits about butts, Keith’s trivia team and playing beach volleyball and how all the ladies are going to get a treat down St. Petersburg way. We likened his potential groupies to Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa and the office ladies watching the Diet Coke delivery guy arrive. Because we’re complex humans, we also bring up literature from Ralph Waldo Emerson and Michelle Obama - and we announce that for our first podcast-a-versary, we gifted ourselves a NEW WEBSIIIIITE!!! Did I mention we got a website?!?!
Visit our new home on the web: www.pushingpastpolitepodcast.com. Follow us on social media, as we want to hear from you! @pushingpastpolite on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube. We are honored by every listen, review, and share.
Resources
Michelle Obama’s The Light We Carry Chapter: Overcoming in Uncertain Times. Chapter 5 - “My Kitchen Table.”
“I contradict myself, so what?” - Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”
These great quotes from Adam Grant:
Transcript
Episode 19 Full Episode
[00:00:00] Kori: That was weird. We do a rotation where we do experience one year and a party the another year, right? I sold this for my sister and then it's like everybody gets a birthday party or everyone gets an experience So this year is a party year and because he's four turning four, we're gonna do it at Chuck E Cheese Where a kid can be a kid Where a kid can be a kid for 700.
[00:00:25] Oh my God.
[00:00:26] Laura: Oh my. For rat pizza.
[00:00:40] Kori: Welcome to Pushing Past Polite, where we talk about what matters and make the world more just. I'm Kori. I'm Laura.
[00:00:47] Laura: And I'm Keith. In the house! We're so glad you're here. So today I have a question for all of you. Um, I've been reflecting on this a lot just in thinking about, um, gosh, a lot of what makes humans make decisions and how oftentimes it's not always based in logic, right?
[00:01:06] It's based in feelings and things that have heavy emotional connections. And so the question I wanted to pose was what's something that you used to believe? Like you really used to, it used to be like a foundational thing that has since shaken loose either because of life experience or meeting someone.
[00:01:22] Who made you think differently, um, like what's something you used to believe? I can give you like a list of like four or five things, but go roll, start rolling. Okay, now I feel like I need to have it handy. I'm gonna freeze up after the first one. Um, shit I used to believe for suresies. Like, being very afraid of what comes after life, right?
[00:01:45] Like so the idea of hell and eternal torment and the imperative of having a faith system to tell me what would be next. That was highly important. I very much believed in hell. I found that very motivating. I don't know that I do anymore. That's something I've changed. That's one.
[00:02:03] Kori: Wait, can we just talk about that for a second?
[00:02:05] I find that there's that whole concept of Not going to hell as the motivator to be just so fucking backwards, right? It's like, shouldn't the motivator be heaven? If we're going to be believing in these two things, right? It's like, shouldn't our motivation to be the kind of people that we should be, shouldn't our motivation be it'll allow us to continue walking?
[00:02:37] In a place of abundance, of joy, of eternal love, of eternal healing health, right? Like, the, the garden of plenty, like, shouldn't that be our motivator? Why is the negative, the thing? This fear is very powerful. And that is my problem with the church.
[00:03:00] Laura: Organized religion. There you go, put that on the list.
[00:03:04] Kori: That's kind of where I am as well. Like, that's it. Yeah. The organized religion. That's like, that's definitely
[00:03:07] Keith: on my list for sure. Okay. Mm-Hmm? . Not religion. Not religion. Organized religion. You can believe whatever you want. If it is faith, I have problem makes a better person problem. Exactly. If, if you think that you're gonna get some magical reward after you die and that makes you go be better to other people, I don't care.
[00:03:22] Do whatever you want. Better believe whatever you want. Yeah. Be nice,
[00:03:24] Laura: but be better. Be nice.
[00:03:25] Keith:But what I, I, I, I've never understood is why all of these organized religions focus so much on. Recruiting people and getting them to like, repent and change your ways.
[00:03:37] Kori: Because it's a business.
[00:03:38] Laura: huge part of my life, you guys.
[00:03:41] Huge.
Kori: Like, come on. Such a business.
Laura: Both in my, in terms of like, uh, as a child, what I was exposed to. And then even like later, like being involved in organizations that were all about that being the thing. Mm hmm. Um, that's one. And I don't say these things, you know, again, there's, to your point, there's lots redeeming.
[00:03:58] There are good things about faith systems that are worth it, right?
[00:04:02] Kori: But. But organized religion has been like that for a really long time, like you think about people paying for penance, and you think about like people like being able in the, what, 17th century, 16th century, being able to like buy their way into heaven, essentially, right?
[00:04:16] Fear, control, gatekeeping, all of that. Yeah. Policing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, and privileging. Certain things over other things and using the church to be a catalyst for those different levels of access to humanity and all the things that we need, right? It's like when the king and, and the head of the church are the same person, we know that we have a problem.
[00:04:39] Laura: Yeah, I would agree. I think, you know, Christian nationalism here is, would certainly at this moment agree differently. Okay, so we can take a deep dive on this if you want. That's just the first thing on my list. I mean, come on, let's keep it going. Second thing, I still haven't found my list, by the way. But um, second thing on my list that I am not proud of, but I offer this by way of saying that I believe that by changing your mind, changing your mind is a natural part of being human.
[00:05:04] That it should be, that like, it's not, I'm not, I'm not, I am ashamed, while I may be ashamed of some of the things I used to think, I am not ashamed to say that I've flip flopped or changed my mind. Like, I actually see that as a good thing. Yeah, you've evolved. That's right. Totally. Um, and I think that's a healthy and normal thing.
[00:05:19] So, I used to not understand the, um, the argument for gay marriage. Homosexuality was something that was kind of like a, okay, you do you, I suppose, like, that's fine. But my thought was why marriage? Why can't it just be just call it something else? If that upsets everybody, just do something different. Do the civil unions, do the domestic partnership.
[00:05:38] Kori: My whole thing was like, you know what? Be miserable with the other, with everybody else. It's like 50 percent of marriage is in a divorce. You guys just join that fucking club. You want in on this? It's not like something that's sacred here. Like, why are we so mad?
[00:05:51] Laura: I know. So I used to Be kind of weird about that.
[00:05:53] And um, my husband, when we were dating, I remember talking about this and he was a lot further along than I was in this thinking, a lot more evolved. And um, I'm thankful he didn't judge me for it. Now, if I were to date somebody that didn't think that thought that now, again, it's 20 years later, right? Um, and the conversations evolved in, in society.
[00:06:13] Kori: But in terms of the, the openness. Of the conversation. Yes. Right.
[00:06:18] Laura: So, that's something else that, again, I've come a long way on, and I'm very sorry for any hurt that I perpetrated when I was of that mind, um, and then the other thing is the issue of abortion. Like, I, again, growing up in, as an, in an evangelical Christian setting, I put Christian in quotes.
[00:06:38] This idea of like the baby, but what about the baby, but what about the baby, but what about the baby, right? I remember doing like reports in school on both sides of this both sides of this issue and being like, and therefore, I have arrived at the conclusion, abortion is wrong. And it's like, what?
[00:06:53] Again, nobody wants it. It's not something that is like celebrated and anybody's excited to get. It's because of pretty dire circumstances.
[00:07:01] Kori: A hundred reasons. It's like, and My question for my thought is always like, why do you care? That's just like my, the question that I ask. I had this conversation with somebody recently and I was like, why do you care what I do with my body, first of all?
[00:07:18] And my second question is, and then why should it be legislated? Like, why should your opinion be the thing that gets legislated, right? Like, why, but why do you care? Why if. If I am going through something, you're not there when I'm having sex with my husband and creating the child that then could kill me because it's in my fallopian tube and you're not there when I'm in agonizing pain and bleeding, you're not there for any of this, so why do you care?
[00:07:51] If I make a medical decision, that is what's best for me and my family. And why do you think that your moral compass is more attuned? And I'm not talking to you. I'm just talking in general. Like, is more attuned to what's right for my body and my situation that you know nothing about to the point that it should be legislated?
[00:08:14] Laura: You are right to center the woman in this conversation. In the way I was trained, it was about centering the baby. The innocent. No, I, I hear you. So, like, I, but see, like, now, and not even just because I am a woman, I have had children, like, yes, but it, more of, I now see how the inconsistencies and the idea of like, oh, well, the medical exceptions that are just a joke because women are dying and need to be septic first before they can get interventions and even then, it's so clear to me that it's about control of women's bodies now. In ways that I never understood before,
[00:08:47] Kori: right? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:08:52] Keith: I mean, yeah, it's rallying votes to don't forget that a lot of this is self interest. This is abortion does not affect nearly as many people in this country as say, like road repairs or or bridge gun violence or gun, of course, gun violence. But for some reason, it's been part of the national conversation in every election for longer than I've been alive.
[00:09:12] And that's because You can harness people's emotions and use it instead of voting for me, vote against that guy, because that guy is killing babies. Cause really, they're all the
[00:09:23] Kori: same. Yeah,
[00:09:23] Keith: it's just, at the end of the day, it's really just, it's self interest. They're, they are hurting women. In, in very serious ways and putting their lives at risk so they can get elected. Unnecessarily. Just so they can get some votes.
[00:09:36] Laura: That's exactly right. It's disgusting. It is. It is. So I'll offer those as like, again, I'm happy to talk about any of that in more detail if we want to, but I'm curious, like, is, is, are there other topics? Like what are things that you used to think when you were young that now you don't think anymore?
[00:09:51] Kori: I, well, we talk about this, uh, on here. We've talked about this before about like bodies. Right. And I used to believe that if you were overweight or had a bigger body that you were not necessarily healthy. And like many of our conversations have been, have we've talked about different versions of this, right?
[00:10:15] Um, but I was acculturated in a family that, like, people were pinching you and were, would, were saying, like, my 90 year old grandmother now to this day is like, I will not be fat now. And she's, like, that big. I snap my fingers. Um, you know, and so, like, that mindset around body type, body image, body shape, I was always, like, my.
[00:10:46] There was a song in the 90s, this, I don't know if you are familiar with this
[00:10:50] Laura: song. If it's a 90s song, please cue it up. Please, let us try.
Kori: Um, I like Big Butts.
Laura: And You Cannot Lie?
[00:10:55] Kori: I Cannot Lie. Feels better. Right, and so, and then there's another song called Doin the Butt. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that one.
[00:11:04] And so like, at the end of Doin the Butt, there is always this list of names. The song, the song. Please clarify. The song, right? At the end, toward the end of the song, there's like this list. Someone's all got a big ol butt. Oh yeah? Yeah. Like right? So, like, my family members would sing that about me all the time.
[00:11:23] And so I was very, like, Self conscious. And I still have, I still have some of that that I've been working through, but, like, very self conscious about my body. And I kind of projected my own discomfort in my body toward people in bigger bodies. You know what I'm saying? Because, like, I had the bigger body in my space.
[00:11:47] And so, like, that feeling of, like, hurt and shame or whatever, I was, like, projecting that out. You didn't know what else to do with it. But now, I didn't know what else hold. But I know that I cause harm in doing that. And so, like, that is something that I have definitely evolved well past, in not only being more comfortable and confident in my own body, but, like, recognizing that bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
[00:12:11] That is not an indication of healthiness. That's not an indication of anything except for, like, the body you were born into. Yeah. So yeah, that's something that definitely has evolved and changed for me over time. I
[00:12:23] Keith: was surprised to find out that like body mass index is basically made up junk science.
[00:12:28] Laura: Yeah. It's like Junk science and based on males, right?
[00:12:32] Kori: But it's still used in the medical profession. It gets
[00:12:36] Laura: printed out on every single one of my well visits, on my summaries.
[00:12:39] Kori: And it's also based on the old biotypes of non people of color, too. Non Indigenous, non Black, non Brown, right? So, like, it's a Euro centric body type standard that drives the BMI as well.
[00:12:59] Keith: That doesn't even account for muscle, right?
[00:13:01] Kori: That's exactly right. Mm mm. Mm
[00:13:03] Keith: mm. Just division equation, where it's like, this is how heavy you are, how tall you are. And like, you could be in the greatest shape of your life, just like 1 percent body fat, and you could get a BMI that's like, oh, you're, you're not in the healthy range anymore.
Kori: Be careful.
[00:13:19] Laura: When I look at pictures of myself in high school and how relatively, like, I looked great. God, I looked great. I didn't think so at the time. Because, you know, again, that compare, that sense of comparison and throwing shame, you know, what do I do with this and what I feel and what society is telling me, okay, I'll project it elsewhere.
[00:13:36] And, um, yeah, I mean, my BMI back then was out of whack because it makes no sense, right? Um, so yeah, totally. Yeah,
[00:13:43] Kori: and I've always been like an athlete. You know what I mean? I, like, ran track, played basketball.
Laura: There's nothing to pinch, Kori.
Kori: I've always been doing all the things. Well, they'd find it.
[00:13:53] Laura: Well, Granny better. Granny's got to get herself a handful if she finds me.
[00:13:59] Kori: Right, she's, she's so funny. But yeah, that was one for sure that I've evolved, I've evolved on.
[00:14:05] Laura: Big time. You heard 40 years of messaging around, don't do this, don't, anything but fat, anything but that, right? I mean, that's basically what you heard.
[00:14:13] Kori: Mm hmm. Like, my sister was pregnant. She was like, hey, fatso. Just like,
[00:14:20] Laura: I would cry right there.
[00:14:23] Kori: Yeah. Yeah. She, I mean, we talked to her about it, but you know, that, that is, but that was messaging she was getting. Absolutely. And I, there's a whole different set of stories around that, but like her mother was a bigger woman.
[00:14:36] Mm hmm. And was a little gluttonous. And so like, she was just like, I don't ever want to be like that. And so she's not creating people who are going to be like that, right? Like, her construct came from somewhere. Uh, but we just have to break it, right? Just have to move it to the side. Mm hmm. Also, I would say therapy.
[00:14:58] Therapy being something that is Not inaccessible, but like something that only people who have mental challen like mental illness engage in, right?
[00:15:08] Laura: That used to be your frame and now you don't believe that anymore? Is that what you mean?
[00:15:11] Kori: Yeah. Yes, that's what I mean. It's like that, that only people who had like severe sort of like mental health challenges, A, had access to and uh, should engage with having some sort of therapy, counseling, a psychologist, or you had to have some sort of major trauma.
[00:15:32] to need to go to therapy, right? But not it being as part of, not therapy being used as like wellness maintenance.
[00:15:43] Laura: Yeah, self improvement at any stage, right?
[00:15:46] Kori: Then any stage, like just like you go to the doctor and you get blood work and you do this, like you go to the therapist to just like, help to create space in your brain, in your body, in your energy, right?
[00:15:56] To problem solve and work through things and understand triggers and all kinds of stuff, right? Like, it's part of your overall wellness. As opposed to, it's only a tool for people who are in crisis of some sort.
[00:16:11] Laura: I think that's right. I think that's where the culture has moved to. I remember using, like, kind of as like a diss to someone, like, you need help, like you need professional help.
[00:16:19] Right? Do you remember hearing that?
[00:16:20] Kori: Yeah.
[00:16:22] Laura: that's not the case anymore.
Kori: Um, and I, You need to go see a shrink or something. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Keith, what about you? What comes to mind on this list?
[00:16:31] Keith: Um, okay. It's off the top of my head. It might sound, it's not nearly as important as the other things we've been talking about, but.
[00:16:38] Kori: My big ol butt. That was important.
[00:16:40] Laura: Well, yeah. Big ol butt. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Granny better not touch me. Oh, yeah.
[00:16:49] Keith: That's how we bring in listeners. That is important. That's, that's what our audience is coming here for. Um, yeah. So, like, friendships, I think. My, my thinking has evolved. Guys, in particular, seem to, like, value having long term friendships.
[00:17:03] People you were friends with when you were young. And trying to keep those people. In your life and I was one of them, I had friends who I literally met in kindergarten, um, and maintain friendships like throughout college and then into adulthood. And I, you know, I, I, I thought that like loyalty was important.
[00:17:23] You want to try and keep these relationships alive and keep these people in your life and that's like the core and then you meet other people around it and it took a long time of me, like. Um, going through difficulties, having like struggles in my life and realizing that whenever things were going really well, I'd have a lot of people around who were there to like share in it.
[00:17:42] But whenever I was struggling or needed somebody, everybody was gone. They weren't available. This group of friends. And it took years and years of me just excusing it and like thinking like, it's me, like, I'm obviously. the weird one, I don't fit in, that kind of thing. And it, it finally, like, just in the last couple of years, I realized that this isn't healthy for me at all.
[00:18:07] These aren't your people. They make me feel like worse about myself. They really do. So anyway, um, I, Was just very frank about how I felt and sort of cut them out. And since then I've created space in my life to develop new friendships. And I'm realizing now at my late age in life that like, wait, no, there are people out there who can be much better friends who are those things.
[00:18:34] That you're looking for and that you've wanted in your life that you've excused for these people that have just been there forever. Um, sort of out of circumstance or, or just randomness that, that you ended up having a, a kindergarten class with somebody that doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to be friends for the rest of your life.
[00:18:51] Laura: You got stuck. You've got a rough class. stuck. This is your matriculation group and you are, your cohort is set.
[00:18:58] Kori: Right. You got assigned to Miss Smith's class. And now all of a sudden you're Smithy's forever.
[00:19:06] Keith: You know, when you're growing, you share a lot of things, especially during like your teens and twenties, like, and you think that, that, that means something that loyalty is important for, for relationships like that.
[00:19:20] Kori: Yeah. I learned early. Nope.
[00:19:22] Laura: I can see that how history and proximity. You know, is what starts the friend, like, you know, whoever you're with, the proximity is part of it. Mm hmm. But that sense of, especially, I can see that with guys, too, because it may be more difficult to make friends across the lifespan, because that's, you know, seen as being emotionally vulnerable and heaven forbid, right?
[00:19:42] So you kind of feel locked into the people who are your boys. Who know you. Yeah, quote unquote. Exactly. Who have some shared history, but history is not the same as connection, right?
[00:19:51] Keith: Yeah, I think, yeah, I've just really, I've learned how important people in your life can be. I think when I was valuing a close group of friends for so long that I, um, I, every other potential friendship that I could have had, I dismissed it as like tangential.
[00:20:08] Like I got my core group, like it was nice meeting you, see you later. And I'm realizing now that there was, I had a lot of opportunities to meet new people and maybe develop. A group of, of colleagues and friends who share the things that I care about, who, if I talk about, like, I want to write a book, they don't roll their eyes and go, okay, did you see the new South Park kind of thing?
[00:20:29] Um, there are people who are like, cool. What's the book about? Yeah. So yeah, I, I've realized how much of a difference the, the people in your life can make. And who want to know you
[00:20:37] Kori: now? Mm hmm. Yeah. Like, know you, this you, not just like have the flashback. The six year old you. Reminiscent. Version of you.
[00:20:47] Mm-Hmm. . Um, I feel like that's something that, that gets tricky in adulthood in general. Yes. Right? Yes. Like, you know, I was thinking about how even some of your family members don't really know you as an adult. Mm-Hmm. , you know, you have all these people who have been embedded, you know, in your life and these, like participating in life events, graduations, birthdays, and growing up, but then they struggle to accept.
[00:21:16] The current you, the current version of you, you know, Kori 40. 0, 40, 41. 2 or whatever I am, um, that version and, and they're like locked into the thing that brings them nostalgia and joy and not focused on the parts of you that bring you joy and happiness now, today.
[00:21:39] Laura: I can see that too.
Kori: I was talking to Daniel about that.
[00:21:42] I think oftentimes the point of, unless your friendships are evolving, right? Unless you have someone who is growing and changing with you, oftentimes your friendships are situated in the when, right? Like you're growing up friends and those formative years or your college buddies, you know, you're reliving those days, that nostalgia piece, your mom and dad, whatever it is, it's, it's that time.
[00:22:03] Even people who meet like our high school sweethearts, like that their relationship, unless they grow and evolve. It's kind of sometimes can be stuck in teenage version of love, right? And maybe not growing and evolving together. So and, and sometimes friendships and relationships for that matter too are seasonal and that's okay.
[00:22:21] Right? Yeah. Yeah. It was good for this time and we've, we're in different spaces and you know, the friendship hasn't evolved for one reason or another and that's okay too.
[00:22:32] Kori: That's like something I learned. People come into your life for a reason and a season, and sometimes a season is really, really long, right?
[00:22:39] Like, I have some friends that I've known for 30 plus years, and we talk regularly. We are involved in each other's lives. Um, and then I have some friends who I've known for three years, and we talk regularly. And we're very involved in each other's lives.
[00:22:59] Keith: yeah, it's, you know, friendships and relationships outside of romantic relationships are They get more difficult, the older you get, right?
[00:23:09] And I think the tendency among some people is sort of to be like, well, you know, I have my spouse, I have my kids and that's enough and you don't value it. And I guess that's what I'm coming to is that I've had a bunch of relationships. I'm not married, but like, I don't know. I, my life seems to be defined by the people I have in it at the time.
[00:23:28] Um, and I've sort of made this transition to be more intentional about having more positive people in my orbit. Um, and it's made a big difference. I, I, I think I had dismissed that for a while. I'm 40. I don't need friends. Kind of thing. But, um. Right. Like. Yeah. Doing you like you do? Yeah. I started like doing trivia, you know, , I have like a, a trivia team now and it's like a crew.
[00:23:52] Laura: What trivia group? Well, I What's your team name? What's your team name? What is it? What is the name?
[00:23:57] Keith: It already existed. It's not my, my team name. They named it Buddy Holly. I don't know why . But anyway.
[00:24:02] Laura: That's okay. Well, as somebody who is married and does have kids, I still need my friends. Um, you know, as a matter of fact, Michelle Obama, I read over winter break actually when I was on my way to come see you Kori.
[00:24:14] And you too, Keith. I read, um, I listened to the audio book, the late, that
[00:24:18] Kori: sounds dangerous
[00:24:20] Laura: I know it was an audio book. I'm really good at multitasking. I don't have a Tesla with auto drive. Um, but I listened to the audio book.
[00:24:27] Kori: Did you have the book propped up in the steering wheel?
[00:24:30] Laura: Yeah, right above it, just like this.
[00:24:32] Um, but she talked about how, you know, her relationship with Barack is something that so many people put on a pedestal and talk about how incredible and, you know, in a lot of ways it is. And it is wonderful. But she talks about like her kitchen table, her people who will sit around the kitchen table with her and be there for her when she needs them, that kind of thing.
[00:24:48] And how she is always looking to pull up a chair at that table for new people when, when situations present and you find some connection to never be afraid to expand that because it can be a rotating, it can be rotating seating depending on the season of your life. Um, so I know I am very, I'm very good friends with my husband for which I am very grateful.
[00:25:07] But he isn't, I can't come to him with all the things. And he
[00:25:10] Kori: shouldn't be. No. It's like you, you shouldn't, like, your spouse, this is just my opinion, but it's like your spouse should not be your everything. Right?
Laura: It's a very risky thing to do in my take.
Bernie: Because it's a very risky thing to do and, but it's also, it stunts your growth, both of your growth, right?
[00:25:28] It's like if you are each other's everything only, then how are you getting fed in other ways? It stunts. Right? Because there's only so much that that one person can pour into you because they don't have all the tools. And so how are you getting fed in other ways? How are you getting the kind of nourishment and support and encouragement or replenishment or solitude or good advice or whatever if you are only in a relationship with that one person?
[00:26:04] You need to have. A broader pool of intimate connection. And when I say intimate connection, I don't mean anything sexual. I mean like, where you can be yourself. Where you can be vulnerable. Where you can show up and if you need to just like sit there and cry for a few minutes. Like you can do that. And vent.
[00:26:28] And have somebody who is like, What you're feeling is totally valid, and what he said was fucked up, and I'm glad that you came here instead of just spewing out the rage that it triggered in you, right? Like, you need to have those people in those spaces.
[00:26:47] Laura: Well, and you value, in the same way that any kind of team in a professional workplace is, is richer and better with diversity of opinions and diversity of lived experiences, the same is true in your friendships, right?
[00:26:57] Like, my husband is amazing, but he comes with his Biases and ilks and stuff, right? And so do I. So do you. He's super risk averse. When I talk about wanting to like try something really new in my life, I definitely want his take, but I don't go to him for inspiration on taking a leap. He's not the guy.
[00:27:15] Kori: Yeah, same.
[00:27:15] You know? But, but isn't that, but isn't that part of why we married though? And there's, I would, yes. Right? Yes. It's like that's, and so that's what, but that's why you need a bigger pool.
[00:27:24] Laura: I do. I need you for, you know, thank you for being my rock and being stable. I want Kori to encourage me to jump. I need this one to help me think of, it is, it is, and it's, it is.
[00:27:33] And I know that it's the same in return, that I can serve in different roles for, for different friends for what they need in different seasons too. Mm
[00:27:40] Kori: hmm. Mm hmm. And it, it depletes your cup and fills your cup in different ways, right? It's like what Laura needs from Kori and what Keith needs from Kori and what Daniel needs from Kori are all different things.
[00:27:53] It's like I'm tapping into different parts of my being to give that support and that energy and what I get from Laura and what I get from Keith and what I get from Daniel and what I get from my kids. It's all different stuff because I'm like a whole person and not just a sliver or a slice of a person.
[00:28:14] I was a human before I was his wife and I needed people in my life before I was this person's wife.
[00:28:21] Laura: And to your point too, Keith, like, yeah, I don't think of myself as a married person as like, you know, the better half or the part of the whole, like. No, we're our own whole people, right? So there's nothing missing from anyone from.
[00:28:34] Kori: We just created something new. That's right. Yeah. That's the whole thing. We create a whole new thing. But we already were. From our own thing. But from our wholeness, we were already our own thing, but we just came together to create something new.
[00:28:47] Laura: Yeah. That's a great reminder to not be stuck. That's a great.
[00:28:50] In that current, whatever the current friendship landscape looks like, that it can change or that you're beholden to someone because you have history.
[00:28:58] Kori: Yeah. And I'm happy for you. That you had that evolution.
Keith: thank you.
Laura:Anything else that would fit under this category or does this feel good?
[00:29:07] Kori: I mean, I would say that I was talking to somebody just the other day about clothes.
[00:29:15] Hmm. And that, I have always viewed myself as like, I am very safe with my clothes, right? Like, I literally have just gotten rid of things that I've had since I was like, I don't want to say college, but. Well, I
[00:29:33] Laura: think that's probably true, or maybe even in the high school years, you
[00:29:36] Kori: know, college. Yeah. I mean, I would say definitely college.
[00:29:40] Some of the high school stuff is, my mom still has. But, um, so I have been, like, one of the things I, I've, I've had to kind of, I've started to shift around is just like, The expectation of what 40 is supposed to be and like how we're supposed to dress and what we're, what we're supposed to look like when I was an age that wasn't this age, I had a lot of perspectives.
[00:30:01] And we started our whole podcast about this, right? The Golden Girls and, and what murder she wrote and the age of these people and what they were doing and what their lives looked like at a particular point. And I've had to like do a lot of undoing of that mindset being a net being 41, right? Like Uh, evolving my understanding of what old is, which is something that, you know, just shifts as you get older, that thing kind of shifts, or it has for me, just keeps shifting up, right?
[00:30:33] But also, just like, what's appropriate dress for somebody who is a mom of two kids? Like, there was a, you, do you guys know who Kiki Palmer is? Yes. Okay, so there was like this whole thing that like, she went. To Usher's show, and she looked very, uh, she looked hot, she looked gorgeous. Yeah, she looked amazing.
[00:30:54] And she is what, like 28 or something, but she had recently given birth. And her baby daddy wrote some comment on a Twitter, like, Why you gotta have on, buh buh, you're a mother now. And it was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Right? Like, she's still a whole woman, a whole person. But even in, like, that.
[00:31:17] And it was a part of me was like, I, I have lived in that space where he's at.
[00:31:25] Laura: But there's also this like control component for him, right? Which is
[00:31:28] Kori: Yeah, right? It's like, what? And like, gross. And even like, why would you say that out loud in public? Not to mention in print. My God. In print. Like, say that in private when she comes home if you have to say it at all.
[00:31:39] Yeah. But But, at the same time, I'm saying all that to say that it reminded me of my own evolution and perspective around how mothers should be dressing and what 40 year old people should be wearing and acting like and looking like. There is no standard. You do you. And whatever feels right for you is what you should be rocking.
[00:32:04] And that there shouldn't be that, it's that expectation that because. She's a mother now, or that I'm a mother, or that I'm 40, or whatever, it's like, I can't wear a see through top, or a crop top, or I shouldn't be wearing three inch heels, or whatever the thing is. That's something that I think I've definitely kind of evolved and grown around.
[00:32:23] And allowing other people to have shifts in opinions too. Not holding on so tightly to what somebody said so long ago, that that makes them who they are today.
[00:32:35] Laura: I cansee a lot of that influence of, like, dressing modestly, or a lot of the influence of, again, like, the religious upbringing, and also this idea of, like, purity culture around what a woman should be and how to dress.
[00:32:48] I look at even, like, you know, dress codes for school. I used to just, okay, well, I get it, because you don't want to distract a boy. Well, now it's like, well, a boy is responsible for himself. I'm responsible for myself. What are you talking about?
[00:33:00] Kori: But what about in, in settings that were all girls? I went to an all girls school.
[00:33:03] And there were still, there were still limitations. Like, your skirt can't be this short. No tank tops, no spaghetti straps. Yeah, like, so what's the logic there? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Who are just distracting each other.
[00:33:15] Laura: Probably. Oh my gosh. I love your top. Maybe. I love your top. Oh my gosh. Um, but no, that's another place like in terms of, yeah, a woman being her own person and sex being for pleasure and not just about procreation in the context of marriage.
[00:33:30] Like all these things that I've just had to unpack and unlearn. And I continue to. Um, and ways that I still see hangups of it and have to remind myself like, Hey, careful. I think, you know, as you're advising your child now on what to wear, don't get caught in your own traps from what you were taught. You need to do better, mama.
[00:33:49] Kori: That part. That's an important note. Mm hmm. It's like First of all, it doesn't happen overnight. Second of all, it's like an ongoing, fluid thing, right? I'm sure that Keith is still giving himself pep talks to get out of the house. To go be social with people, right? Even though he's, he knows it's something he needs to do, he wants to have that engagement, it's still something that takes effort, right?
[00:34:14] Like, there is, uh, having a community and creating friends takes work. So, like, I've been trying to connect with one of my friends who I've known for a really long time, but He's just super crazy busy, and so I was like, hey, we should just grab a coffee one day, and he's like, yes, coffee would be great. Fast forward, now we're gonna have dinner, uh, in like a month, because that's the only opening.
[00:34:40] It's like, I have to wait three months if I just want coffee, right? So if I want to see this person at all, it's like, it has to happen. This kind of planning and effort which means I already know because I don't like to leave the house I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I really learned this Uh huh.
[00:34:56] And so I already am like giving my starting my pep talk for myself to to not cancel on this thing That's gonna be happening in a month.
[00:34:56] And so I already am like giving my starting my pep talk for myself to to not cancel on this thing That's gonna be happening in a month.
[00:35:05] Laura: Well, it's like the game. Whenever somebody says, Hey, can we reschedule? Yes. Yes. Yes. Always reschedule. Absolutely.
[00:35:11] Kori: Yeah. Yes. Um. Mm hmm. But I try to go out. Like, I try to get out.
[00:35:16] I try to go. Like, even the birthday party. I was like, Ugh, you know, Jay had a fever, kinda, sorta. Ugh, if he still has a fever, you guys go, we'll be at home, it'll be fine.
[00:35:27] Laura: Pro tip, you canalways, that's another advantage, there you go, put that in the win column for children. There's always a reason to cancel.
[00:35:32] You know, they're a little moody, they need me.
[00:35:34] Laura: Yeah. Somebody didn't feel good, I just heard a cough, I gotta stay.
[00:35:38] Kori: I just heard a cough, I gottastay.
[00:35:39] Laura: Buh mer. You can train Woodstock.
[00:35:42] Keith: That's messed up. I wouldn't do that for Woodstock. I'd feel terrible. I wouldn't want to invent some fake illness for my dog.
[00:35:49] Laura: No,but this wasn't fake. This isn't fake. They're
[00:35:50] Kori: just sick that often. Fake. It's just, it's just that regular.
[00:35:54] Laura: It's reading the cards. Be like, what's coming here? That cough just, that was a second time.
[00:35:59] Kori: Unprompted. It's coming. And now his left nostril is running a little different. It's not clear either. As you can tell.
[00:36:04] Between the cough and the runny nose, I don't know if I want to take that anywhere. I don't know if I want to take that anywhere.
[00:36:11] Keith: No. That, that, that must be nice. Honestly. It's, it's a lot harder for me to postpone things or cancel plans. No, it's true. It's true.
[00:36:18] Laura: You've got to. Nobody believes me. I get that.
[00:36:20] Nobody believes me? Sure, man. My emotional support friends say that their kids have a runny nose. I can't come. I can't. Right? You can borrow any one of my kids excuses if you want. My emotional support friends, podcast friends say that they can't make it, so I'm reading the tea leaves. This is not in the cards for me either.
[did[00:36:38] Well, haven't you seen that meme? It's like, you know, getting together over 35 or whatever. It's like, yeah, we should catch up. We should catch up. Six months later, we plan to catch up and then someone cancels and they postpone and this is how it goes. It is. It's challenging. It does, to your point, it does take effort.
[00:36:55] Keith: I'm going to play volleyball. I got a volleyball, so.
[00:36:58] Kori: Did you, wait, did you just start? It was fun.
[00:37:00] Keith: No, I played volleyball when I was younger. I was really good at it. I liked it. I believe that they have like beach volleyball Leagues down here with like teams.
[00:37:07] Laura: I'm picturing Top Gun with the aviators and talk to me, Goose!
[00:37:10] Yes Yes.
[00:37:13] Keith: Less attractive, for sure.
[00:37:15] Kori: Stop. Stop. Not, but not you. Maybe the other people playing. You'll be, you'll be in the Top Gun situation, Keith. No, not at all. Uh. Ladies, this is a very
[00:37:24] Laura: handsome gentleman. Tell us the intersection in St. Petersburg. We should meet you. What net? Where,
[00:37:29] Kori: where should they come and watch you?
[00:37:30] Like, do you remember? The Diet Coke commercials? Do you remember any Bad, Bad Santa?
[00:37:35] Laura: We are going in very different directions. Tell me about Bad Santa. I'm like, Diet Coke commercial, Bad Santa. What is this?
[00:37:42] Kori: So, uh, have you seen Bad Santa, Keith? No. Okay, so it's, um, it's, uh, Billy Bob Thornton
[00:37:50] Laura: He is a weird one
[00:37:52] Kori: yeah, yeah, exactly.
[00:37:53] And so it's perfect. He's like perfect to be this like horrible Santa guy, right? So Bad Santa is basically he and one of his partners, they, uh, dress up as Santa and an elf and the, his, his buddy is a, is a little person. And so, but what they do is they travel around the country and then they like rob malls, right?
[00:38:14] Right. Because. They, but they pose as you Santa's anyway,
[00:38:20] I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. So it's like, they're only, they're only working, no, listen, they're only working during the winter months. And so during the summer, he's always in Florida. And so there's this scene in bad Santa where he goes and he's pours a drink and he gets a hot dog or something and he goes and sits at the park in Florida and is watching this beach volleyball game.
[00:38:44] Go on. Except it is, he's a bad Santa, so I got you now, cause he's like a, he's like a creeper dude. And what I'm saying is that you're going to have the creeper ladies who are going to be there with their Snick Snacks while you are out there diving in the sand and jumping. You, you, it will be bad Mrs.
[00:39:04] Santa out there watching you with your Snick Snacks.
[00:39:08] Laura: I took at least five seconds trying to unpack what Podna was. You were talking about part, like a partner? Oh, like a patna. It took patna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in my brain I was like Oh, yeah. Like, we Like a buddy. A friend. I had to like, fast forward to catch the story, and Oh my gosh.
[00:39:24] I'm sorry. I was going that all the ladies are going to be watching from the skyscraper when the Diet Coke delivery guy comes. You know those commercials? Oh, yeah, when they're
[00:39:31] Kori: like up against the window
[00:39:33] Laura: and they're like, oh. And he's like popping the top and drinking the can, that
[00:39:36] Kori: kind of thing. Yeah, right, and he has like the arms
[00:39:38] Laura: out.
[00:39:38] All this to say,
[00:39:39] Kori: sons up, guns out. Mine at least had a reference for the, for beach volleyball. Mine didn't even have a beach volleyball reference.
[00:39:45] Laura: Yours was getting weird with Billy Bob Thornton. We're stealing presents from children.
[00:39:50] Kori: I was basically thinking about like the, you know, all of the people who watch.
[00:39:55] I know. Right? Like that there's like Do you see the commonality in our stories
[00:39:59] Laura: then? The women who watch? Yeah, I do,
[00:40:01] Keith: I do. Yeah, you're, you're, you're both wrong. Because, you can, you can look good at 440, but you're still gonna be out there with a bunch of like, mid twenty somethings who just look good, period.
[00:40:15] Kori: Yeah, but they're not the, but the other people who are in their thirties and forties aren't looking at them, cause they're children.
[00:40:25] Laura: That's right, I could be your mom or your teacher. It's, that's, this is the demographic. Do you know what I'm saying?
[00:40:29] Kori: It's like, that's all I'm saying. So it's like, you do look good for 40, to another 40 year old, another 35 year old.
[00:40:38] Laura: Yes.
[00:40:39] Keith: All right. We'll see. If I, if I get like my own little, you know, middle aged groupies out there, I will be sure to take some
[00:40:47] Laura: photos. Bump, set, kill. Okay, please. And we can I love it.
[00:40:51] Kori: Ooh, we could do a whole calendar. Oh,
[00:40:54] Laura: all the Bump, set, kill. And the, and the little zinc under the eyes.
[00:40:56] Kori: The setting, bumping, spiking.
[00:40:58] Yeah, like all the We'll get an
[00:41:00] Laura: action shot with the sand.
[00:41:02] Kori: Exactly. Merch. Like a whole photo shoot.
[00:41:05] Keith: And then my recovery from when I tear all the muscles in my legs.
[00:41:10] Laura: Sponsored by Bengay. Oh, a before and after, god that's funny.
[00:41:17] Kori: Sponsored by Bengay. Oh. A leave. Yes. And an ice bath.
[00:41:20] Laura: Yes. And your local chiropractor in St. Petersburg.
[00:41:24] Kori: And your local chiropractor. Acupuncturist. I love it.
[00:41:26] Laura: I love it so much. Oh y'all, this has been fun. Thanks for hanging with us. Thanks for interrogating past beliefs. And thanks for being the kind of friends that grow and push me to grow too. I appreciate it. Love y'all.
[00:41:42] Kori: Love you. Love you. Are we ending?
[00:41:44] Is that what you're saying? I mean, I'm trying to come up with a natural wrap. Laura was like, you know what? I'm tired of talking to you all. So this podcast is over. No, it's, you know, thanks for making me better.
[00:42:00] Laura: Bye. I got what I needed. I don't know if you need anything, but I'll catch you on the flip side.
[00:42:03] Bye. Nobody needs friends like that. Just kick Laura off your table. Um, thanks for
[00:42:09] Kori: everything. Yeah. And just, we are, I'm glad that we can keep growing, right? And we, now that we know these areas for each other, we can eat, encourage each other around them. Right. And I can, we can ask Keith about trivia. I didn't even know until today.
[00:42:23] I didn't know that either. Or volleyball. Yeah. Or volleyball. Like now we, that's just something else that we can check in on each other about.
[00:42:30] Keith: Yeah. I, I think that the, the moral of today's episode is, um, embrace the fact that we're not static and that we change.
[00:42:38] Laura: Yeah. That is healthy and normal and human.
[00:42:40] Absolutely.
[00:42:41] Keith: I think Ralph Waldo Emerson said, you know, so I contradict myself, so what? It's a really good story called Self Reliance. Go read it.
[00:42:48] Laura: Yes. Ooh, that's going in the resources section.
[00:42:50] Keith: Mm hmm. You embrace the fact that you contradict yourself. I don't care. So what? That means I'm human. Mm hmm.
[00:42:56] Laura: Right.
[00:42:57] Oh, speaking of this, we have news, sort of, uh, the announcement, like this is officially, this week was our birthday week of like a full year of podcasting. And we gave ourselves a present and we put together a website. So on that website, I will post a link somehow to that amazing classic literature piece that you just cited out of, off the top of your damn head, you genius.
[00:43:21] Um. And people can find it there. So if you have an extra minute and would like to check it out, it's pushingpastpolitepodcast.com. Dot com. Dot com. Yep. We sprang for the dot com. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Felt like it was a 40 year old thing to do. We're not in the dot net or the. dot media phase.
[00:43:42] Kori: We can comment.
[00:43:43] We can comment. Yep. We got it.
[00:43:45] Laura: We got it. All right, everybody. Stay tuned. Thanks for joining us. Great. Yep. I can't end this apparently. Go ahead. You end it. No, you're like, stay tuned. No, it's over. Take a break. You've got two weeks back in your life.
[00:43:58] Kori: All right. Thank you for listening to Pushing Past Polite.
[00:44:01] We love you all. Check out our website and we'll talk to you again soon. Take care.
[00:44:19] Thank you for listening to Pushing Past Polite. We encourage you to go deeper in your trusted spaces or find new space for good conversation. You'll find content to help you get started on our social media channels.
[00:44:31] Laura: We're at Pushing Past Polite on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.
[00:44:36] Kori: Pushing Past Polite is an independent podcast with Kori and Laura from Just Educators.
[00:44:42] Laura: Our cover art was designed by Rachel Welch DeIga of DeIga Designs, and our audio is produced by Keith at Headset Media. Until next time, don't get stuck talking about the weather, push past polite. See you next time.
Kori: Thank you for listening to Pushing Past Polite We encourage you to go deeper in your trusted spaces or find new space for good conversation. You'll find content to help you get started on our social media channels.
Laura: We're at Pushing Past Polite on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.
Kori: Pushing Past Polite is an independent podcast with Kori and Laura from Just Educators.
Laura: Our cover art was designed by Rachel Welsh De Iga of De Iga Designs, and our audio is produced by Keith at Headset Media. Until next time, don't get stuck talking about the weather. Push past polite.
Kori: See you next time.
